Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
by Cashmeritan
Summary: Lots of Royai funness guaranteed! Roy is determined to woo Riza Hawkeye, but it isn't going to be easy. She wants....COMMITMENT. But he can work around that, right? He'll try anything, from crossdressing to....well...the boundaries have been lifted. See M
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Wheee! My second FMA story…The first was a shitty one-shot…yet I have high-hopes for this one! Please, don't read this if you're offended by cross-dressers/drag queens…. You'll get very, VERY offended.**

**And I know that the way I write this may very well be cliché, but please bear with me….IT'SMYFIRSTFULL-LENGTHFMASTORY! WHEEE! Because, even though I always wrote Teen Titans before…I'm starting to …not like it…as much…maybe when they show the new episodes, things will be different. BUT UNTIL THEN, ALL HAIL FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST AND ROYAI!**

**Did I mention that I got my mom hooked on FMA too? -smirks proudly-**

**Anyway. Enough rambling. I LIKE TO MOVE IT, MOVE IT! So let us begin.**

**x-x-x**

The morning sunlight was bending and refracting through Roy Mustang's office windows, displaying a rainbow of sorts on his messy, oak desk. The owner of this desk, and office, sat slumped in his seat, his head resting on his arms, while being the source for muffled snores that wafted throughout the room. His slick black hair quickly heated up from the brutal sun shining upon it fully, yet….he still managed to slumber through the morning sunrise.

Though Roy was the only one in the office currently, footsteps began to echo closer, and closer, to the large, heavy doors of the room. Oblivious to the world, and to the sun, Roy slept on, drool trickling lethargically down the side of his chin. Oh, he knew that he would eventually have to awaken, and succumb to his First Lieutenant's threats if he didn't complete the stack of paperwork that was SURELY going to be awaiting him….but this moment…it was the official ROY moment…And if his eyes weren't shut, you could be positive that he would be staring at the clock, deciding on which moment to make the official Mustang Minute.

With a creak, the doors parted, revealing a tall, yet muscularly-built man, with spiky blonde hair and ocean blue eyes. He paused in the doorway, lowered his bag, and raised his hand to his mouth, preparing for a massive yawn. When the sign of his laziness had passed, he sauntered into the office casually, giving off an air of apathy. For sure, this was Lieutenant Jean Havoc.

Roy stirred in his sleep; the office doors weren't exactly the most silent, and his eyelids fluttered, trying to clench away the vibrant glow of sunlight. He caved, and his eyes fully opened, tired and the least bit pissed. They set on Havoc, who was smiling smugly at Roy, and narrowed.

"What are you smirking at, Havoc?" he demanded in a grumble, balling his hands into fists and furiously rubbing at his eyes. Havoc shrugged, and sat in his office desk chair, leaning back and resting his feet on the desk. He gave yet another yawn, and glanced at his superior.

"Nothing. It's just…" The smirk returned. "That's probably the 4th time this week that I found you sleeping at your desk. Can't be the most comfy place to sleep, am I right?"

"It is when you have to work late into the night."

"Oh, woe is you. And I guess the person behind all this would be-"

"Lieutenant Hawkeye," Roy cut him off, trying to suppress a yawn. Havoc groaned, empathizing with the Colonel's pain.

"And if she could see you now," Havoc began, stretching in his chair until he was the most comfortable that he was sure he could be, and continued on, "she would probably spaz and lecture you on-"

Again, Roy interrupted. "On how if this is how I plan to act, then I'll never become Fuhrer….Or if I do, I'll make a pretty lousy one."

"Exactly. So what do you plan on doing, chief?"

"Well," Roy said coyly, with a smile to match, "My fearsome lieutenant has her day off today, am I right?"

"Really? I thought it was-"

"I had it changed." He stood, letting his muscles contract and fully awaken, "I can't have my favorite little subordinate sniper be dreary all the time from dealing with little old me, can I?" He placed a hand on his chest, smiling mischievously at Havoc. Havoc lit a cigarette, placing it between his teeth.

"Nope. Guess not," he replied, scratching his head. "But Hawkeye's almost never dreary…"

"But even the most adequate flowers wilt."

"Ehh. And since when is SHE your favorite?"

"It was an expression, most like sarcasm, 2nd Lieutenant."

"Ahh. Right. 'Kay."

There were a few moments after where neither man spoke. Havoc broke the silence, and ventured on.

"What do you plan on doing today then, Colonel?"

Roy pressed his index finger to his chin, in thought. "I don't know….What should I plan on doing today then, Lieutenant?"

"Don't tell me you're going to take time off and get a date."

Roy's eyes fell upon Havoc, eyebrows raised. "Now that's pure brilliance, Jean."

"I beg for you not to call me that, sir."

"Whatever you say." Roy strode over to the coat rack, retrieving his long black trench coat, and spun around, flashing a smile that could make ladies MELT in want over in Havoc's direction. "I think that I'll do just that."

Havoc wilted visibly. "Do you know how many of my girlfriends you've stolen?"

"Havoc, I didn't 'steal' ANY of them!" Roy informed his subordinate, "They just came crawling to me, begging to be rescued from you."

Havoc scowled. "I bet you went up to them and just grabbed them."

"You mean like a rapist?"

"Perhaps, sir."

"You're calling me a RAPIST?"

"Well…the action would be like one of a rapist."

"And yet they willingly call out MY name in bed, and not yours?"

"Okay….I don't really need to be educated about the details," Havoc said, cringing. Roy pulled his coat close around his figure and peered out the window, watching the city begin to rouse.

"You know…I bet I could have ANY woman in the entire city…" Roy told Havoc, demonstrating by gesturing towards the large mass of houses, apartments, and business areas. His hand was open, and flat, until he snapped it into a fist, a sly smile spreading across his face.

Havoc reluctantly agreed with, "I don't doubt that, sir."

Roy lowered his fist, assuring himself. "Any…woman… Oh, I am SUCH a pimp!"

"Any woman," Havoc informed him, "…But Riza Hawkeye."

A cloak of silence fell upon them.

"…Hawkeye?" Roy turned, facing the lieutenant. "I could have Hawkeye!" he declared. When Roy was having one of his glory moments, puncturing it and deflating it could prove to be fatal to the perpetrator.

"I highly doubt that," Havoc sighed, yawning. He knew that he had caught the colonel's interest, and now he would stop at nothing to convince Havoc, and himself, that he could, in fact, woo Hawkeye.

"I'm everything she'd ever need!" Roy declared. "Brawn, looks, knowledge…"

"Ehh. You're not her type."

"And who are you to say such a thing?" Roy demanded sourly.

"Because I've gotten to know Riza more than you have," Havoc returned, resisting the urge to stick his tongue out. "She seems to like…the brainy….sweet…non-womanizing type of man…"

"…The only man like that that I can think of would be Fuery," Roy mused.

"Exactly."

"OhmyGod…You mean….?"

"No, no, NO! Riza wouldn't do a guy she WORKS with!" Havoc chuckled. "You nuts?"

"ANOTHER THING! My NUTS--"

"Too much information."

"Right."

"Yep."

"I could still woo her."

"How?"

"By BECOMING brainy, sweet, and non-womanizing."

Havoc roared with laughter. "You're shitting me."

"No…I'm not…Not kidding you, and definitely not shitting you."

"That would be a perversion of who you really ARE, Roy. Riza knows you. She knows that you'd never come around."

"I can SO come around."

"She wouldn't go past 1rst base with you."

"Wanna bet?"

"Naw. We may get found out…"

"Scaaared?"

"Yes, actually, for my job."

"Yeah well, worry not."

"I can't believe I've got you hooked on Hawkeye…I thought you'd despise the idea of even envisioning a make-out session with her," Havoc said, amused.

"Hawkeye IS a beautiful woman…" Roy said wistfully, almost as if he were daydreaming. Yet he was jolted out of his reverie, wearing a smirk. "And like all beautiful women, she has to be a good girl and let Roy Mustang take her on a date."

"And THEN screw her brains out and leave her lying in her bed, with nothing but memories of the experience," Havoc pointed out. "Riza can be sensitive when she wants. If you were to do that to her….Well…Let's just say it would ruin her."

"Ruin her? How so?"

"ALL of those women dream of marrying you. You're a COLONEL, so of COURSE they'd dream about it. But Riza has sworn to follow you until you become Fuhrer. She's like your guard-dog/mother hen. If you do that to her…She…she seems to…Grr. You don't get it, do you?"

"Nope. I don't think so."

"She's the type who'd want MORE from a relationship."

"Bondage? I can do that."

"..You imbecile. She'd want COMMITMENT."

Ahh. The one word that sounded like scratchy radio feedback to Roy's ears. Commitment. Like a broken record player, the word repeated itself in the colonel's head. Over…and over…and over again…

"C-Commit….ment…?" Roy stuttered weakly, eyes widening.

"Mm. Yep." Havoc rose from his chair, stretching. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to meet Mr. Coffee."

"Right…You do that…" Roy sat in his chair, crest-fallen and going over everything that Havoc had just said.

And a new goal etched itself in his mind.

He would date, and screw, 1rst Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye.

Even if it meant doing the most bizarre things possible.

He nodded, affirming this goal in his head. The rarest flower, any way, was always the most desirable. And Hawkeye was, indeed, a rare flower.

**FFF**

**A/N: Not my longest chapter, but oh well. Dunno when the next chapter will come….But uh…**

**Next Chapter Preview: Roy approaches Havoc, and Hughes, for advice. He also devises a plan…but will it work?**


	2. Chapter 2

**I've been sick since Sunday! T.T so review, please, and cheer me up. Asthma episodes are never fun.**

**x-x-x**

Havoc entered the lounge room, intent on ACTUALLY meeting Mr. Coffee, and milking him of his caffeine-ridden delight. He was even humming to himself, too! …Well….The best that he could, with an unlit cigarette between his teeth. To himself, he said, "Yep. Nothing like good ol' coffee and tobacco." A hungry grin spread across his face as he seized the black plastic handle of the coffee pot, and poured the steaming mocha liquid into his willing mug. (A 'World's Best Mom' mug that he had brought from home. They had run out of 'World's Best Hairspray User'.)

The delicious aroma of coffee beans wafted through the air, drifting into Havoc's nostrils. He smiled dazedly, drunk on the coffee's spell. He plucked the cigarette out of his mouth, and flicked it into a waste can, sitting in a nearby plush easy-chair, and surrendering to the drink that his mug held. Just when he tilted his head back to steal a first taste, the door opened.

Caught off-guard, Havoc accidentally bent his wrist back too far, and the coffee flooded down his throat like a waterfall. Only, a red-hot waterfall. He was still, letting the shock slowly wear off, and trying to ease the disappointment away. Why didn't everything go right for him? He pouted, while his esophagus fought for its right to not disintegrate under the heat (Or rather, it felt like it), and prepared to glare and cuss out the person who had interrupted his love-making with the coffee.

None other than Hughes.

Hughes' glasses slid down his nose, his eyes wide as he stared in shocked horror at Havoc. "Are you alright!" he asked, pushing the rim of his glasses back up to its normal spot, and turning to the coffee machine.

"No," Havoc replied, voice hoarse from the burning hot mocha attack. "Why did you have to come in?" he whined, voice squeaking. Hughes shrugged.

"I like coffee," he admitted to Havoc.

"Yeah, well…SO DO I!" Havoc cried. "BUT NOT WHEN IT'S CHASING DOWN MY THROAT FASTER THAN HAWKEYE CHASES ROY 'ROUND THE OFFICE WHEN HE DOESN'T DO HIS PAPERWORK AND SECRETLY WANTS TO MASTURBATE IN THE CLOSET!"

"Whoa. That was a mouthful."

"Yes, indeed it was."

Hughes took Havoc's mug, and re-filled it, offering it back to the fuming 2nd Lieutenant. "Roy masturbates?"

Havoc shrugged, his gaze becoming rather shifty. "It's to be expected…" he said in his defense.

"Ah. Well. I can see that happening." Hughes cringed.

"Yeah…" Havoc took a slow sip of the coffee, grateful that another incident hadn't occurred. He relaxed a bit, easing into the chair. He lit up. "Oh! About Hawkeye…"

"Hm?" Hughes was sitting on the table, grasping his mug with both hands, and eyeing Havoc with a growing interest. Anything involving Hawkeye most likely involved Roy, if HAVOC of all people was mentioning it. And anything involving Hawkeye and Roy as a 'them' could be solid evidence of their undying LOVE for each other! And then Roy would MARRY Hawkeye, and Hughes would be the best-man, and Elicia the flower-girl, and Havoc would …..do something….AND THEY WOULD HAVE 24.3 CHILDREN! He surpressed a girlish squeal at his fantasies, and made sure to keep his daydreams low-key.

"I talked to Roy this morning," Havoc said, separating the words with each desire-filled sip of coffee that he took. He chuckled. "The man's a world-class….whatever-you-call-it."

"Sweet-heart?" Hughes said sweetly.

Havoc stared. "A…world….class….sweet-heart…."

Silence.

Havoc roared in laughter. "You're an INSANE man, Hughes, you know that!" In his cheerful gestures, his coffee spilled on his lap.

"FUCK! Me and my bad luck!"

"That rhymed!" Hughes pointed out jovially.

"….It did….didn't it?" Havoc sighed, and set his mug down. Now he would have a large brown stain across his crotch for the rest of the day. "RIGHT on the area the ladies love most," he complained, grabbing a mountain of napkins, and pressing them to the spill. "Anyway, Roy thinks he can have any woman in the city."

"Oh really?" Hughes asked, re-re-filling Havoc's mug, and setting it down beside Havoc as a friendly gesture. Havoc nodded to Hughes as if to say thanks, then continued struggling to scrub away the dark, sodden stain on his pantsy-pants.

"Yep. And I said, 'Yeah, sure. Any woman 'cept Hawkeye'."

"AAAAND my glorious wife Gracia!" Hughes chimed in.

"...You sure 'bout that?"

Hughes blinked at Havoc in slight confusion. "Why….yes…She's my wife…."

"Yes, but….some women take the vows……then run off and have crazy hot sex with another man. Most likely a Puerto Rican guy, who's really sexy, with thick dark wavy hair, and chocolate-brown eyes….One that knows the female anatomy PERFECTLY…."

"Are you suggesting that my wife is having an affair? And are you being racist to Hispanic people?"

"…..ANYWAY. So I said, 'any woman, 'cept Hawkeye', right?"

A small raincloud gathered above Hughes head, as he pouted. He murmured under his breath, "Gracia would NEVER do that to me…"

"RIGHT, Hughes?" Havoc growled. "Tell me you're listening."

"I'm listening," Hughes sighed.

"So anyway. Then he spazzes, and goes into denial." Havoc laughed. "You shoulda heard him. He was all…" He mocked the colonel in a whiny voice, pretending to sob, "I WILL HAVE HER! I _CAN_ HAVE HER! I KNOW WHAT GIRLS LIKE, I KNOW WHAT GUYS NEED! BLAHBADIBLAHBADIBLAHHHHHHHHHHHH……"

"….That was a very fine impression!" Hughes complimented, clapping. Havoc paused, looking up at Hughes with an excited smile.

"Really? Ya think?..." He patted the hair atop his head thoughtfully, thinking. "I really SHOULD be in show biz…not smelly old military work….don't ya think?.."

"Oh, definitely," Hughes agreed, nodding.

"So…So anyway," Havoc carried on, a certain glow emitting from his body at the newfound talent of his, "I told him Hawkeye would need someone who would COMMIT….And Roy just sits there like he's all dumb and stuff….And then I came here and I got coffee….And then I was about to take the first sip when you--"

"Right, right. So what was the point of this story?" Hughes inquired.

"Well…there really wasn't one…" Havoc admitted, now that he thought about it clearly.

"Hm…I think I should visit Roy. From the way you portrayed him, and might I say it again, you portrayed him SO finely!...From the way he must have been acting….I think he's have an emotional break-down!" Hughes rose from his chair, and dumped his coffee into the sink. "Well, it was nice chatting with you, 2nd Lieutenant. Make sure to get yourself a wife, and audition for the play 'Annie' that's coming to town! I think you'd make a FINE red-head! Toodleoo!" He marched out of the room.

Havoc tenderly touched his cheek. "Me?...a……red-head…?" he said dreamily. "Ahhhh." He smiled. "Broadway….here I come…."

FxMxA

Hughes knocked lightly on Roy's door, worry setting in his body. Was Roy alright?...Did he need a shoulder to cry on?...Was he closer to marrying someone?...

"Come in!" Roy called, looking over at the papers resting on his desk in disgust. How could Hawkeye be so CRUEL, and just leave that stuff for him to work on? It was vile…It was so nasty….It was….Now that he thought about it…..

He dissolved into his own fantasy world, while Hughes twisted the door-knob, and witnessed.

_It was far after the sun had set. The moon and the stars were all aglow, casting a small light into the room in which they worked. 9 P.M., and STILL doing hassling paperwork? Gosh…they must really have no life…_

_Roy tried to concentrate on the papers before him, but found that it was growing to be quite a difficult task, especially with that beautiful blonde bombshell sitting nearby, holding that book in her hands, and reading. Yes, reading. The look of it was so sexy, Roy couldn't STAND it. He finally set down his pen, and wrung his hands out. He needed to calm down. He needed to relax. Paperwork could wait…especially when his sanity was at stake. Shoving the papers aside, and kicking his feet up on the desk, Roy stared at the ceiling, and sighed._

_His eyes traveled, and landed on the blonde. Their eyes met. She stood, and began undoing her military top. "Oh, sir," Her voice was thick and sultry, "You don't mind if I take this off, do you? It's just…getting so HOT in here…." Roy smirked. He loved it when she talked like that._

"_No, not at all, lieutenant," He replied, just a tad surprised to find that his own voice was seductive as well. He lowered his feet from the desk, pushing his spinny desk chair so that it turned to face Riza, and he held his arms out. "Let me help you."_

"_Oh, you're SO naughty, Colonel!" Riza giggled. She may not giggle in real life, but in Roy's fantasies, anything could happen._

"_Naughty's my middle name," Roy said fondly. He leaned in, about to help her…when…._

"Roy-san!" Hughes cried, throwing his arms around the colonel. "Are you alright? HAVOC TOLD ME ALL ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED EARLIER!"

"….Eh?" Roy's eyes were wide. He fought the urge to strangle Hughes. His fantasy! His beloved fantasy! It had been…a fake?

"Yes, yes!" Hughes sobbed into Roy's shoulder. "Your emotional breakdown!"

"What emotional breakdown?" Roy asked, dumbfound.

"….Why…the one where you were all…" Hughes imitated Havoc's imitation of Roy. "I WILL HAVE HER! BLAH BA DI BLAH BA DI BLAHHH!"

"…Hughes," Roy said sharply.

"Yes?"

"Lighten up. Havoc's an ass. I didn't have an emotional breakdown. In fact…" Roy puffed his chest out, ever-cocky, "I had an emotional ENLIGHTENING."

"Ouuu…really?"

"Yep."

"About?"

He punched his fist into the air. "I am going to date Riza Hawkeye!"

Hughes squealed. It was a dream come true. "Really! When did you ask her?"

"Well…I haven't YET…but I will!"

"Really! When!"

"…Probably tonight. I'll get home, and I'll call her. I'll be traditional."

"And if she doesn't fall for it?"

"Are you suggesting a BACK-UP plan, Hughes?" Roy frowned. "Because I won't need one. I'm ROY MUSTANG. I never need back up plans."

"Right, right…"

"Exactly. Because I'm the ultimate pimp."

Hughes froze. "Wait a second," he said monotonously, everything setting in. He…had been wrong. Roy…and Riza… He glared at Roy. "Now that's just wrong! You can go have one-night stands with all those other women, but not with Hawkeye!"

"I know, I know. COMMITMENT."

"Exactly! So lay off, Mustang. Go date the new secretary."

"No. I wanna date Hawkeye."

"You'll break her heart!" Hughes cried.

"Who ever said it'll just be a one-night stand?" Roy said slowly. Hughes paused, and glanced at his superior.

"You sly dog."

"No comments, Hughes. Just go."

"But…why?"

"I have to plan how I'm going to do it!"

"But you already did! You said you're going to do it the 'traditional way'!"

"Yeah. I need to think up a traditional way. Most of the time I just merely approach the woman, and we zoom off."

"…..So what you mean is there's no traditional way."

"Not really."

Hughes sighed. "You sly liar. I'm going to head to my office." He waved. "Bye." Roy waved back, watching his cohort exit the room. He sighed, and leaned back in his chair.

"Traditional way…" he murmured to himself.

Ah. Later could wait. He wanted to call NOW, and get her answer. Lifting the receiver, Roy prepared to tap Riza's phone number in. He hesitated. "What's…her phone number…"

Almost on cue, Hughes shouted through the door, "927-0363!"

Roy raised an eyebrow, but didn't question the voice. "Alrighty." He dialed. He waited.

Boop boop ba boop.

BRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!

….

BRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!

…

'Hello, you've reached Riza Hawkeye. I'm not here right now, but leave a message after the tone, and I'll be sure to get back to you. Bye.'

BEEEEP.

After listening for a few moments, while Hawkeye's answering machine recorded the blank message, Roy waited for Riza to pick up.

Finally, he hung up without saying a word.

FxMxA

Hawkeye opened the door to her apartment, stepping inside lazily. Hayate bounded in behind her, and immediately jumped on the couch, watching her hang up her coat.

"I know, I know," she said softly. "You're hungry. I'll feed you." She brushed past the small table where the answering machine lay, and paused, pressing a button.

'You have 1 new message.'

She waited.

The message played. And it was silent, except for soft breathing.

Chills ran up her spine, and she deleted it, feeling a new sense of paranoia set in. Looking around her small apartment, and confirming that no one was there except for her and Buraha helped her relax, but she was still alert for the rest of the night.

FxMxA

WHEE! Another chapter done! I know I'm probably confusing you with Roy's true intentions. He wants her, and decided that if commitment is a must for her, then he'll commit. I really don't know why he's bothering….But I'll make sure to write that in in the next chapter.

Toodle-oo!


End file.
